journal entry

This is me literally journaling outloud. Sorry.

I will never forget the day I realized that all the rules & the getting better & doing better was never what God was looking for in me.
I remember things coming into focus & understanding for the very first time that God had taken care of that & loved me so much that He carried that burden for me.
A breath.
Tears.
Total relief.
And I wanted to tell everyone!
Because it's a-mazing news!
I still don't understand why it's so controversial, but I know full well that it is.
I think we are the problem.
I think Christians get it wrong.
I think people get it wrong.
We forget about the moment we were relieved of that enormous burden. That moment we were picked up, dusted off & told that we were loved - all the time, no matter what.

Grace.

And the danger of forgetting that moment is that we tend to put that burden on others after a while.
Why do we do that?
Why do we like to make it hard for people to live under this law of love?
We get so afraid of other people's 'dirt' getting on us.....do we start to believe we are so clean?
Because even if we are.....we didn't make ourselves clean.

I have heard the term a lot lately of being 'insider focused' - when I hear it I think about middle school & the natural hierarchy that happens with the cool kids table & the smart kids table & all the tables.
People trying to find their spot to fit in & whatever group they 'fit' into - we tend to make it a little uncomfortable for someone else to be a part.
What is that?
We make judgements based on clothes, hair, church affiliation, family, books people choose to read....we label people.
And in a way we put ourselves in the seat that only God belongs in.
He sits there.
I tell my 6 year old almost daily, "Quit trying to be his mother. Be his sister"
Love him.
Encourage him.
Come to me if you are worried about him.
Their relationship will suck forever if she keeps trying to be his mother.
She was made to be his sister.

Let God be God.
And when it comes to His creation.
When it comes to the people He made on purpose.
I forget daily to recognize that.
I mean, it's easy to hold that 2 year old in my arms & look into her eyes & tell her that she was made on purpose & with a purpose & pray that the Lord would show us what that plan is....
That's easy.
I know her.
I already love her.
But what about that other person. The one I don't know or more likely the one I just don't really get along with. Do I believe the same is true about them that I believe is true about my kids?

He loves us wildly & He has a lovely story - one that does not require that we read certain books or go to a certain church or hang with certain people or blah blah blah.....
We are no different than the pharisees making rule after rule after rule.
These are our rules.
And I show my lack of faith every time my chest tightens in fear that God is not big enough to love them.
I pray that I will not forget that moment when I "got it" because if I refuse to forget.....I will never ever be ungrateful or selfish with the endless love He has already given.